Over a decade of assisting couples with relationship issues through Feng Shui, I have observed that many problems in a love relationship have their root in the personal baggage that each individual brings to the table. When these issues are not addressed the relationship becomes dysfunctional. The severity of this dysfunction depends on how serious the baggage is and how close the couple has become in their years together.
Dysfunction creates tension. Tension builds up. All tension at some point will have to find an outlet.
Healthy outlets would include a discussion, an argument, or the decision to seek help, as in couple's therapy or Feng Shui. Another healthy outlet could be going on a trip together and removing themselves from their usual environment so they can relate at another level, which may rebuild trust and love so they can better handle their issues when they come home. Some couples choose a common cause, goal or hobby, so that the rising tension is channeled into a constructive activity they share. This working together, shoulder to shoulder, can be very beneficial for a relationship.
Unhealthy outlets would include: having an affair, pouring excessive attention in work, children, or volunteering. Another unhealthy outlet is abuse, either verbal or physical.
The cycle of abuse gives a couple, in a very weird unhealthy way, an excuse to stay together. The abusive person lets out steam by exhibiting aggression to its victim, then the victim has to deal with the immediate effects of the trauma. Things get so bad that when they come back to their "normal" situation there is a feeling of relief and with it comes the hope for improvement. Thus I have seen abusive relationships pass the test of time, while other much healthier couples dissolved.
Having an affair is a strange but effective way to "resolve" the tension. As modern women we may cringe at this thought today, but think a few generations back: it was not uncommon in marriages for the man to take up a lover and for the woman to pour all her attention on the children or her church. With their tension released elsewhere, they became free to be civil to each other in their limited time together. These were considered successful marriages for their time. This was a patriarchal way to resolve a marriage. Today, of course, we know that these were unhealthy, neurotic arrangements.
The truth is people cannot stand unhappiness for extended periods of time, sooner or later, something has got to give.
I have seen couples "resolve" their unhappiness by psomatizing. Psomatization is the process by which stress and other negative emotions go to the body and produce illness or dis-ease. Sometimes the internal process the two people go through while experiencing an illness in either of them can be healing for their soul -- sometimes. Other times it simply becomes an excuse to not confront the life issues they need to face up to.
For example, I knew a couple in which the man was 20 years older than the woman. They struggled with intimacy because his libido was very low and he also had some erectile dysfunction. They tried several methods, including Viagra, but it soon became evident that his problem was not physical but had its source in deep seated negative beliefs about sexuality and -- the wife suspected -- possibly some sexual trauma experienced during childhood that he was unwilling to confront. This would have been the time to go into therapy, however around this time he went in for his medical checkup and was diagnosed with an illness. This led to many more doctor's visits and tests and major adjustments in their diet. This couple put all their energy in "fighting the disease" and this gave them a common goal. Their problems in the bedroom all of a sudden took a second place in their list of priorities. It also gave them an "explanation" for what was going on -- perhaps the erectile dysfunction was simply a consequence of the illness and not a reflection of dis-ease in their relationship.
If you do not address the conflicts in your relationship they will sooner or later find their own outlet: will it be an affair, getting married to a job, an addiction? Or maybe an illness... You can choose better.
Feng Shui is a mild, non-aggressive way to address the stress in a love relationship.
Working on the home together, from remodeling or building projects to decorating a room or choosing a new piece of furniture can be extremely beneficial to a couple.
In a future installment, we will explore more about Feng Shui and relationships.
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