Are you a Christian?
This is a question my family and I are often confronted with living in Knoxville, TN, what some call the “buckle of the Bible belt.”
It is also a question to which -- however I answer -- sometimes I am telling the truth and I am also at the same time lying.
Four years ago, when we were new in town, I was dumbfounded when a teenager at a doctor’s waiting room was immediately attracted to our family and came to play with the boys, then about 4 and 2, but caught herself and asked, “Wait – are you Christians?” I told her we were and she immediately relaxed and continued to be cute with them. I couldn’t help wonder what she would have done if I had said no. Would she have turned around and gone back to her chair and ignored us for the rest of the time? Perhaps she would have tried to sit next to me and share “the Good News.”
About two years ago I had taken the boys to a play date at a water park in Powell. When the play date was over, our friends left a few minutes before us. An attractive young woman dressed in a nice sweater and a long skirt approached me with a smile. I smiled back. You see, where I grew up and in the two communities in the United States where I have lived (the Mississippi Gulf Coast and Davenport, IA) such an attire is often a sign of an open mind. Come to find out, in Tennessee, it often is a sign of belonging to a fundamentalist church where wearing pants or showing one’s calves are considered sins.
Soon after the conversation started I could tell she was a fanatic and started hurrying up picking up our things so we could leave. When she asked me if I was a Christian, this time I told her no, grabbed the children’s hands and started walking towards the parking lot. She followed us to the car, leaving her own children unsupervised in the playground, and tried to push pamphlets into my hands, while she asked one question after another, without giving me a chance to answer: Do you believe in God? Do you believe Jesus is God? Do your believe Jesus died in the cross for your sins? and on and on. Once I had the boys safely buckled in the car I told her to step back and leave us alone in no uncertain terms.
So why did I answer “yes” to the same question four years ago and “no” a couple of years ago?
This is why: all my life I have believed that a Christian is a follower of Jesus, someone who agrees with the teachings of Jesus and does their best to live their life according to them. In this sense I have always been a Christian. In this sense many of the people I know who would not define themselves as Christians, really are Christians. In this sense, some of the people we have met in East Tennessee who claim to be Christians, really are not – they spread fear instead of love. Below is an example.
My husband, a chiropractor, had some lettering added to the back window of his car. It had the name of his practice, “Genesis Chiropractic,” the phone number and website and in Spanish “El Dr. Habla Español” (The Doctor Speaks Spanish). One day he had gone to the East side of town to pick up something and was coming back home the back way. Close to the Mall Center he noticed a car seemed to be following him. This went on for about twenty minutes, all the way to our home. An irate woman parked on our driveway, right behind his car. She got out and started screaming at him. First, of course, she asked him if he was a Christian, to which he answered “yes.” She made a comment as to wanting to make sure he had the right to call his practice Genesis. Then she asked if he knew what he was doing with a message in Spanish: encouraging illegal immigrants to come to this country to take away the jobs from good American citizens who were Christian and law abiding. She said immigrants are criminals infested with illnesses that they are bringing to the US. Didn’t he read the news about Mexicans bringing leprosy into California? Her rage seemed to be focused on Hispanics. She must not have noticed my husband is Hispanic himself – he has a lighter complexion than most Latin people and, being born in the US, he has no accent.
There was also the family in Halls who defined themselves as our “best friends” but stopped talking to us when they learned that the church we attended (TVUUC) welcomed gay people. Or the man at the gym that never greeted us again after we had a conversation about liberal Christianity.
Soon after we moved to Knoxville we learned the definition of “Christian” here can encompass many things, and that unfortunately often those who define themselves as Christians are people who affirm to take the Bible literally, yet focus only on passages that, artfully taken out of context, seem to support their world view, which is extremely right wing, misogynistic and racist. These people may say that they believe in Jesus Christ, but their behavior is far removed from the teachings of Jesus.
So this is why when people in East Tennessee ask me if I am a Christian, there is no easy answer to this question. If I say that I am a Christian – will the person assume that I am a judgmental person whose only motivation to try to be good is the fear of hell? Or someone who justifies their lack of goodness in the fact that they only have “to believe” in order to be saved?
If I say I am not a Christian, will the other person assume that I do not believe in or follow the teachings of Jesus?
I feel at this point I should make a distinction between fundamentalist and evangelical. We have very good friends who are evangelical Christians. My own grandmother and a couple of my aunts ditched the traditional religion of Latin Americans, Catholicism, for evangelical Christianity. We respect each other’s views and guide our relationships from our hearts. They do not feel a need to impose their particular set of beliefs on us and are open to different views of the world.
You are probably wondering as to the word yoga in the title of this blog and where it comes in.
I have actually found a formula to figure out if there is potential for friendship with someone who defines themselves as a Christian in East Tennessee: I ask them how they feel about yoga.
If they tell me yoga is dangerous because it opens up the mind for sin, or that it comes from the devil, I know that it is very unlikely this person can build a friendship with us. As soon as they learn I do Feng Shui and Reiki, they would run the other way, or worse, try to “convert” me.
If the person is OK with yoga, I can tell they are open minded to goodness and wisdom that comes from other cultures and even other religions. This is a good sign.
Recently I was delighted to see the new billboards for an international Christian health and fitness organization, displaying a woman doing a yoga pose, in an area where some pastors are telling their congregations that if they do yoga they will go to hell. This gives me hope.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Sunday, November 21, 2010
What a Decade of Practicing Feng Shui has Taught Me About Relationships (2)
In a previous post I talked about how the accumulated tension in a love relationships always looks for an outlet, and how this outlet can be healthy, or unhealthy.
http://advisormonica.blogspot.com/2010/11/what-decade-of-practicing-feng-shui-has.html
In this post I am going to share with you what are some features in a couple's home that alert me to the presence of accumulated tension. I call these "argument breeders." These are sources of mild irritation, some of them also indicate that one or the two partners have "dropped the ball:"
1. An entryway or hallway that is too narrow or constricted.
These are places for potential collisions. If two people are trying to leave in a hurry at the same time there can be competition for the space available.
2. Doors that open against one another so that their door knobs hit each other.
These produce annoying sounds and vibrations, they are also a symbol of clashing personalities and of competition between the partners.
3. Doors that squeak.
Again, these produce annoying noises. It also shows neither partner is taking the responsibility to fix this very easy to solve problem. Is this attitude also apparent in other aspect of their lives?
4. Drawers that get stuck, are too full or do not close properly.
Mild causes of irritation on a good day. The day one partner is suffering from a migraine, that may be the day that drawer ends up broken on the floor.
5. In the kitchen, having the stove exactly opposite the sink, or being right next to it.
This is considered in Feng Shui an element conflict between fire and water. Water puts out fire. Symbolically this translates into the couple trying to put out each others ideas and dreams.
6. Furniture with sharp edges where people get hurt when they aren't paying attention.
If a couple allows furniture that is potentially dangerous in their home, what else might they be allowing that is not healthy for their relationship?
7. Artwork with violent themes or content, this includes abstract art when the lines are too chaotic or form sharp angles.
These create an ambiance of danger for the unconscious mind, and keep people "on guard."
8. Cabinet doors, closet doors and drawers that are left opened, toilet lid not put down.
Cabinet doors or drawers left open are potential hazards. The toilet lid up shows lack of respect for the female side of the relationship.
9. Too much white (metal) or green (wood, tree) in the master bedroom, but even more so green and white combinations. These colors are symbolic of the elements that hurt or weaken the earth element, which is essential for healthy relationships (these elements are wood and metal), and therefore should be avoided in the bedroom.
10. Excessive clutter produced or retained by only one of the partners.
This can be a sign that only one partner continues to work on his or her own issues, while the other one refuses to let go of the past or to confront their inner conflicts.
How Feng Shui Helps
Feng Shui helps, first and foremost, by pointing out these kinds of issues to the couple and bringing them to their awareness. The recognition that a problem exists is the first step to solve that problem. Then, Feng Shui can help you make small changes in your home that reflect the changes you want to see in your life. When changes happen in the physical environment, change becomes easier in the emotional and mental realms.
For more information on argument breeders and what to do about them, please visit my Feng Shui website:
http://www.fengshuiforus.com/Pages/FengShuiJourneys.html#Anchor-TWO-47857
http://advisormonica.blogspot.com/2010/11/what-decade-of-practicing-feng-shui-has.html
In this post I am going to share with you what are some features in a couple's home that alert me to the presence of accumulated tension. I call these "argument breeders." These are sources of mild irritation, some of them also indicate that one or the two partners have "dropped the ball:"
1. An entryway or hallway that is too narrow or constricted.
These are places for potential collisions. If two people are trying to leave in a hurry at the same time there can be competition for the space available.
2. Doors that open against one another so that their door knobs hit each other.
These produce annoying sounds and vibrations, they are also a symbol of clashing personalities and of competition between the partners.
3. Doors that squeak.
Again, these produce annoying noises. It also shows neither partner is taking the responsibility to fix this very easy to solve problem. Is this attitude also apparent in other aspect of their lives?
4. Drawers that get stuck, are too full or do not close properly.
Mild causes of irritation on a good day. The day one partner is suffering from a migraine, that may be the day that drawer ends up broken on the floor.
5. In the kitchen, having the stove exactly opposite the sink, or being right next to it.
This is considered in Feng Shui an element conflict between fire and water. Water puts out fire. Symbolically this translates into the couple trying to put out each others ideas and dreams.
6. Furniture with sharp edges where people get hurt when they aren't paying attention.
If a couple allows furniture that is potentially dangerous in their home, what else might they be allowing that is not healthy for their relationship?
7. Artwork with violent themes or content, this includes abstract art when the lines are too chaotic or form sharp angles.
These create an ambiance of danger for the unconscious mind, and keep people "on guard."
8. Cabinet doors, closet doors and drawers that are left opened, toilet lid not put down.
Cabinet doors or drawers left open are potential hazards. The toilet lid up shows lack of respect for the female side of the relationship.
9. Too much white (metal) or green (wood, tree) in the master bedroom, but even more so green and white combinations. These colors are symbolic of the elements that hurt or weaken the earth element, which is essential for healthy relationships (these elements are wood and metal), and therefore should be avoided in the bedroom.
10. Excessive clutter produced or retained by only one of the partners.
This can be a sign that only one partner continues to work on his or her own issues, while the other one refuses to let go of the past or to confront their inner conflicts.
How Feng Shui Helps
Feng Shui helps, first and foremost, by pointing out these kinds of issues to the couple and bringing them to their awareness. The recognition that a problem exists is the first step to solve that problem. Then, Feng Shui can help you make small changes in your home that reflect the changes you want to see in your life. When changes happen in the physical environment, change becomes easier in the emotional and mental realms.
For more information on argument breeders and what to do about them, please visit my Feng Shui website:
http://www.fengshuiforus.com/Pages/FengShuiJourneys.html#Anchor-TWO-47857
What a Decade of Practicing Feng Shui has Taught Me About Relationships (1)
Feng Shui is one of the most effective tools to "diagnose" increasing stress in a love relationship. It also offers easy to implement ways to improve a relationship by focusing in the environment where that relationship develops (usually the master bedroom).
Over a decade of assisting couples with relationship issues through Feng Shui, I have observed that many problems in a love relationship have their root in the personal baggage that each individual brings to the table. When these issues are not addressed the relationship becomes dysfunctional. The severity of this dysfunction depends on how serious the baggage is and how close the couple has become in their years together.
Dysfunction creates tension. Tension builds up. All tension at some point will have to find an outlet.
Healthy outlets would include a discussion, an argument, or the decision to seek help, as in couple's therapy or Feng Shui. Another healthy outlet could be going on a trip together and removing themselves from their usual environment so they can relate at another level, which may rebuild trust and love so they can better handle their issues when they come home. Some couples choose a common cause, goal or hobby, so that the rising tension is channeled into a constructive activity they share. This working together, shoulder to shoulder, can be very beneficial for a relationship.
Unhealthy outlets would include: having an affair, pouring excessive attention in work, children, or volunteering. Another unhealthy outlet is abuse, either verbal or physical.
The cycle of abuse gives a couple, in a very weird unhealthy way, an excuse to stay together. The abusive person lets out steam by exhibiting aggression to its victim, then the victim has to deal with the immediate effects of the trauma. Things get so bad that when they come back to their "normal" situation there is a feeling of relief and with it comes the hope for improvement. Thus I have seen abusive relationships pass the test of time, while other much healthier couples dissolved.
Having an affair is a strange but effective way to "resolve" the tension. As modern women we may cringe at this thought today, but think a few generations back: it was not uncommon in marriages for the man to take up a lover and for the woman to pour all her attention on the children or her church. With their tension released elsewhere, they became free to be civil to each other in their limited time together. These were considered successful marriages for their time. This was a patriarchal way to resolve a marriage. Today, of course, we know that these were unhealthy, neurotic arrangements.
I have seen couples "resolve" their unhappiness by psomatizing. Psomatization is the process by which stress and other negative emotions go to the body and produce illness or dis-ease. Sometimes the internal process the two people go through while experiencing an illness in either of them can be healing for their soul -- sometimes. Other times it simply becomes an excuse to not confront the life issues they need to face up to.
For example, I knew a couple in which the man was 20 years older than the woman. They struggled with intimacy because his libido was very low and he also had some erectile dysfunction. They tried several methods, including Viagra, but it soon became evident that his problem was not physical but had its source in deep seated negative beliefs about sexuality and -- the wife suspected -- possibly some sexual trauma experienced during childhood that he was unwilling to confront. This would have been the time to go into therapy, however around this time he went in for his medical checkup and was diagnosed with an illness. This led to many more doctor's visits and tests and major adjustments in their diet. This couple put all their energy in "fighting the disease" and this gave them a common goal. Their problems in the bedroom all of a sudden took a second place in their list of priorities. It also gave them an "explanation" for what was going on -- perhaps the erectile dysfunction was simply a consequence of the illness and not a reflection of dis-ease in their relationship.
If you do not address the conflicts in your relationship they will sooner or later find their own outlet: will it be an affair, getting married to a job, an addiction? Or maybe an illness... You can choose better.
Feng Shui is a mild, non-aggressive way to address the stress in a love relationship.
Working on the home together, from remodeling or building projects to decorating a room or choosing a new piece of furniture can be extremely beneficial to a couple.
In a future installment, we will explore more about Feng Shui and relationships.
Over a decade of assisting couples with relationship issues through Feng Shui, I have observed that many problems in a love relationship have their root in the personal baggage that each individual brings to the table. When these issues are not addressed the relationship becomes dysfunctional. The severity of this dysfunction depends on how serious the baggage is and how close the couple has become in their years together.
Dysfunction creates tension. Tension builds up. All tension at some point will have to find an outlet.
Healthy outlets would include a discussion, an argument, or the decision to seek help, as in couple's therapy or Feng Shui. Another healthy outlet could be going on a trip together and removing themselves from their usual environment so they can relate at another level, which may rebuild trust and love so they can better handle their issues when they come home. Some couples choose a common cause, goal or hobby, so that the rising tension is channeled into a constructive activity they share. This working together, shoulder to shoulder, can be very beneficial for a relationship.
Unhealthy outlets would include: having an affair, pouring excessive attention in work, children, or volunteering. Another unhealthy outlet is abuse, either verbal or physical.
The cycle of abuse gives a couple, in a very weird unhealthy way, an excuse to stay together. The abusive person lets out steam by exhibiting aggression to its victim, then the victim has to deal with the immediate effects of the trauma. Things get so bad that when they come back to their "normal" situation there is a feeling of relief and with it comes the hope for improvement. Thus I have seen abusive relationships pass the test of time, while other much healthier couples dissolved.
Having an affair is a strange but effective way to "resolve" the tension. As modern women we may cringe at this thought today, but think a few generations back: it was not uncommon in marriages for the man to take up a lover and for the woman to pour all her attention on the children or her church. With their tension released elsewhere, they became free to be civil to each other in their limited time together. These were considered successful marriages for their time. This was a patriarchal way to resolve a marriage. Today, of course, we know that these were unhealthy, neurotic arrangements.
The truth is people cannot stand unhappiness for extended periods of time, sooner or later, something has got to give.
I have seen couples "resolve" their unhappiness by psomatizing. Psomatization is the process by which stress and other negative emotions go to the body and produce illness or dis-ease. Sometimes the internal process the two people go through while experiencing an illness in either of them can be healing for their soul -- sometimes. Other times it simply becomes an excuse to not confront the life issues they need to face up to.
For example, I knew a couple in which the man was 20 years older than the woman. They struggled with intimacy because his libido was very low and he also had some erectile dysfunction. They tried several methods, including Viagra, but it soon became evident that his problem was not physical but had its source in deep seated negative beliefs about sexuality and -- the wife suspected -- possibly some sexual trauma experienced during childhood that he was unwilling to confront. This would have been the time to go into therapy, however around this time he went in for his medical checkup and was diagnosed with an illness. This led to many more doctor's visits and tests and major adjustments in their diet. This couple put all their energy in "fighting the disease" and this gave them a common goal. Their problems in the bedroom all of a sudden took a second place in their list of priorities. It also gave them an "explanation" for what was going on -- perhaps the erectile dysfunction was simply a consequence of the illness and not a reflection of dis-ease in their relationship.
If you do not address the conflicts in your relationship they will sooner or later find their own outlet: will it be an affair, getting married to a job, an addiction? Or maybe an illness... You can choose better.
Feng Shui is a mild, non-aggressive way to address the stress in a love relationship.
Working on the home together, from remodeling or building projects to decorating a room or choosing a new piece of furniture can be extremely beneficial to a couple.
In a future installment, we will explore more about Feng Shui and relationships.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Are You Still Affected by That?
It was probably a year ago that I lost a friend. I had actually lost her months earlier, but it was about a year ago that I noticed.
One year ago I was trying to figure out why I was having trouble communicating with this woman who had been my friend for seventeen years. Searching my soul and my memory, I contacted the exact moment when I felt I could simply no longer connect at a heart level with this person. It was the moment when she asked me, over the phone, “Are you still affected by that?”
You see, a little over two years ago a terrible tragedy happened at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. A man by the unremarkable name of Jim Adkisson entered the church with a shotgun and opened fire in the sanctuary, during a children’s play.
My family and I were delayed that day, so we pulled into the parking lot right behind the first cop arriving at the scene. Thankfully, we were spared the sight of the event that torn apart the lives of so many in our community.
This happened on July 27 of 2008 and I had talked about this with my friend several times in the months past. This former friend lives in Ecuador, where I was born and raised, but she is from another country. When she first arrived in Ecuador she got married and then divorced about seven years later. She had a baby, whom I adored. During the end of her marriage I often stopped by at her place to help her out with the baby, and keep her company. When I got married, she organized a party for me and baked me a quinoa wedding cake. A few months later, I moved to the United States.
For fourteen years we kept the long distance friendship strong. On December of 2008 she married a man she loves. In Ecuador what counts from the legal standpoint is what is called the “civil” marriage, which is the legal contract that starts a marriage, and after that people are free to hold a religious ceremony of any faith if they wish, but priests and ministers are not allowed to hold wedding ceremonies unless the couple can present the “civil” marriage certificate.
She believes in astrology and numerology and she thinks some dates have special meaning over others, so she had chosen the Winter Solstice for her “civil” ceremony and she told me over the phone and in an email that she was having the religious ceremony on the Spring Equinox. However, she never sent me an official wedding announcement or an invitation.
Towards the middle of March our lives and the lives of the people in my church community were shaken again by the release, after the court hearing, of the “suicide” letter that Jim Adkisson had left in his truck before he went in the church with a shotgun hidden in a guitar case. (He had expected that he would be killed by the police after he had killed as many people as he could.)
Jim Adkisson had decided to plead guilty to all counts to avoid the death penalty. During the hearing, knowing that church officials were seating behind him, he pretended to scratch the back of his head with his middle finger. He showed no remorse – his only regret being that he only got to kill two people and injure a few more.
During this time, I kept expecting to get a note or an email with the confirmation of the date for my friend’s religious ceremony, but the note never came. The Spring equinox came and went in the midst of volunteering in several church committees, organizing a free energy healing event for members and friends of the church, and providing support to friends through conversation and company. I also had to admit to myself that I would have to let go of a weekly class I’d been teaching, because I could not concentrate enough to take care of all the logistics involved with the advertising and planning of the new cycle. I would also sometimes forget what I was saying in the middle of a sentence – and that didn’t bode well for lectures.
By the end of May there was a message in my inbox, with some beautiful photos of her wedding... accompanied by an angry note of how hurt she was and how disappointed she was on me as a friend that I didn’t sent her a congratulatory note for her wedding.
I immediately called her on the phone and apologized (though looking back I am not sure an apology was needed) and tried to explain to her what had been going on here with the hearing and all the sadness at the church. That is when she asked: “Are you still affected by that?” It had only been eight months from the shooting, it was such an unexpected question. After that I don’t remember anything else that was said, only that I felt something close in my heart towards her.
Because I valued this friendship and didn’t want to stay with my heart closed to her, I wrote her an email about how I felt, that she should ask such an insensitive question. Weeks went by and she didn’t answer my email but one day she found me online and instant-messaged me. During this chat I asked her why she had asked that question: “are you still affected by that?” like she was talking about a fender bender that had happened 20 years ago.
Her response was that she didn’t expect me to call her and she spoke without thinking because she still was so hurt that I wasn’t with her in spirit on her wedding day (for which she sent no announcement).
This woman, who holds a doctorate in psychology and has a successful private practice as a therapist, continued on to say that I shouldn’t be as affected as I said I was by the events of July 27, because “I wasn’t even there when it happened.” In her infinite knowledge and wisdom she added that the bulk of any grieving, anyway, is done on the first six months.
When I insisted that I felt offended by her question, she added, irritably, “I already told you I spoke without thinking.”
I could tell that she was still feeling very resentful so I tried to tell her about the aftermath of the tragedy, because you see, Jim Adkisson didn’t just kill two people and hurt another seven.
Several of our church elders passed on in the weeks following this event. Our pastor had to hold six funerals in less than two weeks. I tried to tell her about the people who still have pellets in their bodies, about my friend’s father who lost an eye and now struggles with depression, about the heart attacks and the recurrences of cancer, the high incidence of illnesses and surgeries that followed the tragedy.... the young people who had nervous breakdowns and had to quit their jobs, those who were not able to get re-employed and ended up having to file for disability... the people who never struggled with weight issues before this, who are now battling obesity... the beautiful couples that are now divorced... and the sorrows that hurt so deep we can’t even talk about them. I tried to tell her so many things, but she only waited for a pause so she could say “you were self-centered.”
I had to tell her that to say the things she was saying meant she didn’t really understand the magnitude of what had happened here. She insisted she did. Then I asked her if she would have posed that question to the people who were at Columbine or Virginia Tech... she didn’t know what to say.
That was the moment I knew this friendship was over. It was over because this former friend could not understand the most important thing about me in relationship with the events of July 27 of 2008, and which is: I do not want to not be affected by that – because it happened, and it matters.
It matters because people I loved are no longer around us. It matters because I had to explain to my children what guns and murderers are much sooner than I had wanted to. It matters because we had to adjust own beliefs about evil, and this has influenced the way we live today.
It matters, because the shooting originated a cascade of events that changed the future, not only of this church, but of the whole Unitarian Universalist Denomination – evidenced by the creation of “Standing on the Side of Love,” a new and very powerful social justice campaign.
It mattered to me and my family in another unexpected way: with the new concerns about safety, all the wonderful “extracurricular” activities that were available for families at the church had to be dropped until they could be offered again under new safety standards. For our family, as Hispanics living in the buckle of the Bible belt, with no extended family in the area, this meant going back to the feelings of isolation we had felt when we first moved to the area.
It has been a long haul for our family to find a sense of community in East Tennessee, without the support of the church. There has been a good side to this too: we have found friendships in some very unexpected places.
Today, though we feel blessed in many ways, I cannot help mourn the loss of what was my church, TVUUC, before the shooting.
I know so many people I love still struggle every day with what happened in much deeper ways than have affected me and my family, and I wrote this for them, so they know it is OK to still be affected by that. We will always be affected by that – because it happened, and it matters.
You have a right to still be affected by that, and you also have the responsibility to take care of yourself; to take the necessary steps to get yourself back to wellness; and to ask for help if you need it... and do this until you find yourself feeling some days like you are no longer affected by it, while knowing that it has changed you forever.
One year ago I was trying to figure out why I was having trouble communicating with this woman who had been my friend for seventeen years. Searching my soul and my memory, I contacted the exact moment when I felt I could simply no longer connect at a heart level with this person. It was the moment when she asked me, over the phone, “Are you still affected by that?”
You see, a little over two years ago a terrible tragedy happened at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. A man by the unremarkable name of Jim Adkisson entered the church with a shotgun and opened fire in the sanctuary, during a children’s play.
My family and I were delayed that day, so we pulled into the parking lot right behind the first cop arriving at the scene. Thankfully, we were spared the sight of the event that torn apart the lives of so many in our community.
This happened on July 27 of 2008 and I had talked about this with my friend several times in the months past. This former friend lives in Ecuador, where I was born and raised, but she is from another country. When she first arrived in Ecuador she got married and then divorced about seven years later. She had a baby, whom I adored. During the end of her marriage I often stopped by at her place to help her out with the baby, and keep her company. When I got married, she organized a party for me and baked me a quinoa wedding cake. A few months later, I moved to the United States.
For fourteen years we kept the long distance friendship strong. On December of 2008 she married a man she loves. In Ecuador what counts from the legal standpoint is what is called the “civil” marriage, which is the legal contract that starts a marriage, and after that people are free to hold a religious ceremony of any faith if they wish, but priests and ministers are not allowed to hold wedding ceremonies unless the couple can present the “civil” marriage certificate.
She believes in astrology and numerology and she thinks some dates have special meaning over others, so she had chosen the Winter Solstice for her “civil” ceremony and she told me over the phone and in an email that she was having the religious ceremony on the Spring Equinox. However, she never sent me an official wedding announcement or an invitation.
Towards the middle of March our lives and the lives of the people in my church community were shaken again by the release, after the court hearing, of the “suicide” letter that Jim Adkisson had left in his truck before he went in the church with a shotgun hidden in a guitar case. (He had expected that he would be killed by the police after he had killed as many people as he could.)
Jim Adkisson had decided to plead guilty to all counts to avoid the death penalty. During the hearing, knowing that church officials were seating behind him, he pretended to scratch the back of his head with his middle finger. He showed no remorse – his only regret being that he only got to kill two people and injure a few more.
During this time, I kept expecting to get a note or an email with the confirmation of the date for my friend’s religious ceremony, but the note never came. The Spring equinox came and went in the midst of volunteering in several church committees, organizing a free energy healing event for members and friends of the church, and providing support to friends through conversation and company. I also had to admit to myself that I would have to let go of a weekly class I’d been teaching, because I could not concentrate enough to take care of all the logistics involved with the advertising and planning of the new cycle. I would also sometimes forget what I was saying in the middle of a sentence – and that didn’t bode well for lectures.
By the end of May there was a message in my inbox, with some beautiful photos of her wedding... accompanied by an angry note of how hurt she was and how disappointed she was on me as a friend that I didn’t sent her a congratulatory note for her wedding.
I immediately called her on the phone and apologized (though looking back I am not sure an apology was needed) and tried to explain to her what had been going on here with the hearing and all the sadness at the church. That is when she asked: “Are you still affected by that?” It had only been eight months from the shooting, it was such an unexpected question. After that I don’t remember anything else that was said, only that I felt something close in my heart towards her.
Because I valued this friendship and didn’t want to stay with my heart closed to her, I wrote her an email about how I felt, that she should ask such an insensitive question. Weeks went by and she didn’t answer my email but one day she found me online and instant-messaged me. During this chat I asked her why she had asked that question: “are you still affected by that?” like she was talking about a fender bender that had happened 20 years ago.
Her response was that she didn’t expect me to call her and she spoke without thinking because she still was so hurt that I wasn’t with her in spirit on her wedding day (for which she sent no announcement).
This woman, who holds a doctorate in psychology and has a successful private practice as a therapist, continued on to say that I shouldn’t be as affected as I said I was by the events of July 27, because “I wasn’t even there when it happened.” In her infinite knowledge and wisdom she added that the bulk of any grieving, anyway, is done on the first six months.
When I insisted that I felt offended by her question, she added, irritably, “I already told you I spoke without thinking.”
I could tell that she was still feeling very resentful so I tried to tell her about the aftermath of the tragedy, because you see, Jim Adkisson didn’t just kill two people and hurt another seven.
Several of our church elders passed on in the weeks following this event. Our pastor had to hold six funerals in less than two weeks. I tried to tell her about the people who still have pellets in their bodies, about my friend’s father who lost an eye and now struggles with depression, about the heart attacks and the recurrences of cancer, the high incidence of illnesses and surgeries that followed the tragedy.... the young people who had nervous breakdowns and had to quit their jobs, those who were not able to get re-employed and ended up having to file for disability... the people who never struggled with weight issues before this, who are now battling obesity... the beautiful couples that are now divorced... and the sorrows that hurt so deep we can’t even talk about them. I tried to tell her so many things, but she only waited for a pause so she could say “you were self-centered.”
I had to tell her that to say the things she was saying meant she didn’t really understand the magnitude of what had happened here. She insisted she did. Then I asked her if she would have posed that question to the people who were at Columbine or Virginia Tech... she didn’t know what to say.
That was the moment I knew this friendship was over. It was over because this former friend could not understand the most important thing about me in relationship with the events of July 27 of 2008, and which is: I do not want to not be affected by that – because it happened, and it matters.
It matters because people I loved are no longer around us. It matters because I had to explain to my children what guns and murderers are much sooner than I had wanted to. It matters because we had to adjust own beliefs about evil, and this has influenced the way we live today.
It matters, because the shooting originated a cascade of events that changed the future, not only of this church, but of the whole Unitarian Universalist Denomination – evidenced by the creation of “Standing on the Side of Love,” a new and very powerful social justice campaign.
It mattered to me and my family in another unexpected way: with the new concerns about safety, all the wonderful “extracurricular” activities that were available for families at the church had to be dropped until they could be offered again under new safety standards. For our family, as Hispanics living in the buckle of the Bible belt, with no extended family in the area, this meant going back to the feelings of isolation we had felt when we first moved to the area.
It has been a long haul for our family to find a sense of community in East Tennessee, without the support of the church. There has been a good side to this too: we have found friendships in some very unexpected places.
Today, though we feel blessed in many ways, I cannot help mourn the loss of what was my church, TVUUC, before the shooting.
I know so many people I love still struggle every day with what happened in much deeper ways than have affected me and my family, and I wrote this for them, so they know it is OK to still be affected by that. We will always be affected by that – because it happened, and it matters.
You have a right to still be affected by that, and you also have the responsibility to take care of yourself; to take the necessary steps to get yourself back to wellness; and to ask for help if you need it... and do this until you find yourself feeling some days like you are no longer affected by it, while knowing that it has changed you forever.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Feng Shui Happiness 101 - Dance!
FENG SHUI HAPPINESS 101: How to Have a Friday Night Latin Party with Your Kids
A very important part of Feng Shui is to impregnate your home with happiness by promoting and creating happy moments.
Because I am Latin but my kids are being raised in the US and are not being exposed much to Latin culture, I make it a point to highlight for them the good things about my original culture.
Here is how to have an impromptu Latin party with your children. No props required except for Latin music and some fruit:
1. Play soft Latin music during dinner to set the mood. Eat a yummy delicious light dinner (so it doesn't affect your dancing). For you to have a Latin party there has to be dancing. If there is no dancing we call that a social gathering and not a party. :-)
2. Have a drink: a tropical fruit smoothie in a small glass or cup (2 to 4 oz.). Instead of "Cheers" say "Salud!"
3. Turn up the Latin music (Zumba music works really well).
4. Break the ice by doing some line dancing or making a choo choo dancing train where everyone participates.
5. Have another drink: a tropical fruit smoothie in a small glass or cup (2 to 4 oz.) This time don't say "Salud!" instead:
6. Yell: "Qué viva la fiesta!" Everyone else replies: "Qué viva!" (at least three times, get louder with each)
7. Now comes the time for free style dancing. Get loose, get wild. Show them that you know how to have a good time and encourage them to explore movement (never make fun of them)
8. Have another drink: a tropical fruit smoothie in a small glass or cup (2 to 4 oz.) Again yell: "Viva la fiesta!" Everyone else replies: "Que viva!" Then yell: "Qué viva ________!" insert everyone's name one at time. Everyone replies "Qué viva!" every time.
9. Make a circle and take turns going in the middle. Do your moves while everybody else cheers and applauds. Again yell: "Que viva _______!"
10. Now comes the time to go crazy. (Have another drink if you want, and include some pop songs if you wish) Let your creativity flow. Dance, jump, laugh. For the little ones you can have a plush animal dance demo.
11. Make some noise. Use your voice or a noise maker of your choice (optional). Our favorite are the flying rocket balloons.
12. End the evening by singing slow songs about happiness and friendship.
13. Go to sleep feeling happy, wake up feeling even happier: You have taught your kids how to get drunk on happiness.
14. For better results repeat every weekend.
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