What I Learned from a Mass Shooting at My Church

On July 27 of 2008, a lone gunman entered the sanctuary of the church my family and I usually attended. He was carrying a shotgun with the barrel cut off, hidden in a guitar case, and managed to get three shots out before five fathers and grandfathers in the congregation submitted him and took the weapon away from him.

Miracles Happen

Five years ago, on that day, I had irrefutable proof that miracles do happen.

On the weeks and months following the shooting there were multiple mentions of the phrase "line of fire." I didn't understand what it meant in the beginning, thinking that it referred to the people closest to the shooter. What it actually meant was the fan like pattern that the pellets in the shotgun followed in their trajectory, including their reach to the exit door at the back of the sanctuary.

That morning there was no regular service, but a children's play – the culmination of a summer camp that had been held at the church. All the children, who on any other day would have been at the opposite wing of the building in the religious education area, were in the sanctuary, yet not a single child was physically hurt.

There were plenty of children in the "line of fire." Some were sitting on the laps or right next to a parent who was injured, yet not a single pellet reached a child. What are the chances of that?

Miracles happen.

The Meaning of Aftermath

You always hear on the news, after a terrible tragedy is mentioned, the words "and its aftermath." I never really understood what these words meant until this tragedy hit so close to home.

I never knew that the events of one day – mind you, the shooting took less than a minute – could create so far reaching effects. Several people whose health was already compromised, especially the elderly, left their bodies as if in a domino effect in the next few weeks after the event. I remember a friend mentioned how his heart sank when he had to dress up for yet another funeral – the sixth in a period of two weeks.

I saw beautiful couples, who still loved each other, divorce. People who had always been fit, inexplicably gain weight. And of course, an increased incidence of illness and surgeries.

Every so often, we hear of one more person who has become unable to work. There are pains so great we can't event talk about them.

There is this silent anxiety lurking in the depths of our consciousness that may probably only go away when every one of the children who was there that day shows evidence of being a happy and healthy adult.

Evil People Do Exist

Before this happened, whenever I heard in the news that yet one more "nutjob" had done something crazy-evil, like a school shooting, I always assumed the people in question must be crazy themselves. Not so after the unfortunate reading of the gunman's "suicide letter." Here was a person with full use of his capacities, who chose to, day after day, feed his mind and heart with hatred. A person who could even explain his reasons coherently right before he set out to open fire a in a room full of children.

After that, I had to admit that some people who are in full use of their mental capacities simply choose to do evil.

It is Good to Listen to the Inner Voice

I had promised myself that I would take the children to see the play at the church that day, and that we would be, not only on time, but early.

However, that morning things didn't go as planned. My husband was running late and told me to go ahead with the kids and he would meet us there later. When I was picking up the boys' lunchbox that he had prepared, I heard this soft, gentle, loving voice that said, "It is more important to be together as a family, than to be on time."

I listened. We arrived at the parking lot of the church exactly three minutes after the shooting, right after the first police car.

Pay attention to the inner voice.

Bad Memories Can Be Overwritten

The gunman carried his shotgun hidden in a guitar case. It is natural that from then on the sight of a guitar case, or even a guitar, could bring up fear and other negative emotions, especially among the children in the congregation.

A special service was designed to reclaim the guitar case and the guitar as instruments of creation and not of destruction. At the end, the minister walked down the hallway where the shooter set up, playing the guitar and singing with the children. 

That day I learned that bad memories are recordings in a cassette tape, that can be overwritten by simply recording a better memory on top of that one – no need to erase first.

A Feng Shui Journey to Self-Acceptance 

I recently read a post on Facebook that said that the way parents talk to their children becomes their "inner talk." I agree with this statement.

It has taken me many years of healing therapies to learn to talk to myself in a way that is loving and nourishing -- unlike the way my parents talked to me or about me.

My father was constantly ashamed of me. In his own words, he was ashamed to learn he had had a daughter (not man enough to produce a second son instead), he was ashamed to see that my skin was olive and not the rosy pink of my brother's, and he was ashamed months later when the dark baby hair fell off and was replaced by brown hair -- instead of blonde.

As I grew up, he was ashamed that I was not athletic, and he was ashamed that I got good grades. He was mortified that I was not skinny, and embarrassed because I was shy. My good grades, he said, made my brother look bad, and made him fear that I would never find a husband. 

As I grew older he found more reasons to feel shame, like the acne on my face, or the slightly downwards turn of the corners of my mouth that revealed the native South American ancestry he would have liked to deny.

When I was offered the equivalence of a valedictorian he tried to make me refuse it. He was glaringly absent from my graduation from high school, and didn't even bother to get out of bed the day I graduated as an Architect.

Nothing I did could get good feedback from him. For example, when I was 24, the first short story I wrote won the third prize on a national short story contest, which came with a considerable cash prize. Instead of feeling pride, he felt deep embarrassment over one sentence in the story which he declared as "suggestive."

Throughout my life, I felt like my father had pre-decided to disapprove of me and anything I did. It was almost as if he had decided to dislike me the day he learned of my conception, and from then on stayed true to his purpose. My mother just went along with anything he said.

I don't know what would have become of me if I hadn't also had a grandmother and aunt who did the exact opposite. They adored me and approved of anything I said or did. I was the spark in their lives and I know for a fact that they pre-decided to love me and approve of me on the very day they learned of my existence in the womb. Being a girl was an added bonus for them, since they already had a grandson/nephew, my gender only completed their happiness. I was always sure to be welcomed at their place, never denied a hug, constantly told how wonderful I was and how much they loved me. When a friend who had known me for years met them, she told me, "Now I understand why you turned out so well. God may take something away with one hand, while giving to you with the other hand."

However, it is not the voices of grandparents or aunts and uncles that become our inner voice, but the voice of our parents. I have done a lot of work over these issues over time. Now I am ready to make a quantum leap in my self-acceptance. Will you make one as well?

How does the voice of your parents' criticism show up in your daily life?

How can you create a new script for your inner talk? One that is healthy and rooted on that immeasurable self-worth that comes to you from the simple fact of being a spiritual being?

These are the questions we explore in the Feng Shui Journey for Self Acceptance. To come with me and other like-minded people on this journey, all you have to do is join the Facebook group and commit to making very small changes at home during the next seven weeks. It's free! Click here to go to the Facebook group.